Hmm, let me ask you guys a question. How do you feel if you realise that all along, your family or perhaps your loved ones dont trust you, and let me emphasise on this 2 words, AT ALL.

Well, let me start from the beginning, my auntie went back to her home town to visit her family and so, my family and I had to do house chores ourselves. My mum and bro wont be home most of the time and well, I'm told that I've to stay at my cousin's place for the time being. Though I've not done any house chores for a long time, it doesnt mean that I dont know anything about it. That's when I wonder if my family really knows me well even though they claim they do. The fact is that I know how to, just that it's a matter of want or not. But of cause, if you see it in a way of how good the outcome will be, I do admit that the outcome of my work wont be that great. But does that even matter? I'm still learning. Anyway, that's one reason why my mum wants me to be at my cousin's place, so that there's someone there to cater to my every need. But I dont want that.

Now, I've realised what I am in my mum's eyes. I know there's a saying that everyone will forever be a child in their parent's eyes, no matter if how old you are. You think I dont know that? But what I'm trying to say here is that, to me, she seems like she's not letting me grow up. I want to grow up, I want to do house chores like everyone else and be home all alone. One more thing, when I said I wanna go home on tue to get some clothings, my mum first said that she'll bring them for me when she comes over for dinner or in the morn, on her way to work. Next, after some convincing, she allows me to go home but she wants someone to accompany me, eg: my cousin. When I insists on going back myself, she let out craps on how unsafe it is for me to go home myself and for me to be home alone, and in the end, she insists that I do her way. But no! The more you dont trust me, the more I wanna rebel! And when I say rebel, I mean in a way that I do my way in order to show her I'm old enough to at least take care of myself when I'm going home or even being home alone! What?! Do I look 12 to you guys? It's not like I always get into an accident when I go to school right? WHAT'S THE FREAKING DIFFERENCES?! I admit I'm lazy but like I said, it doesnt mean that I freaking dont know anything! So the main point here is that, I extremely EXTREMELY dislike people who dont trust me, especially when they are your loved ones! FYI, I have always asked my mum for permission before doing anything. Where ever I go, whatever I buy when she's not around, I would always tell or ask her. But, this little bit of trust from her, for being home alone, is it too much to ask for? It's not like I've not stayed home alone before in my 16 years of life.

There's another that has been troubling me for quite some time. Please, PLEASE! I'm begging you, stop trying to lie to me. I'm not dumb if that's what you're thinking. The "change" around me and you has changed drastically. I know why, who and what caused the change. So stop with all the lying and denying, because ever since that night, ever since she talked to you, you started setting rules for me. Having all this to put up with, is really stressing the life out of me. I kept thinking if I should put a stop to all these ASAP! But, dont you thinking running away is just a form of self-comforting and a self-declared-wimp? If even such a small obstacle I cant pass, what about the other harder and nastier obstacles I have to face in the future? I just know that whatever the change is, it's for my own good but once again, it's just telling both of us that we're gaining no trust from you. Not even one bit. But okay no matter, this we can gain it bit by bit from you. Still, you aint being honest with me.

"No trust, no respect."

"Sorraye cous', I know I'm suppose to stay over but I mentioned to you before when I was at your place, and I really wanna prove that I'm trustable at home without having my mum to worry about me. I dont want to be at home with my mum worrying that I'm that dumb to the extent that I'll open doors for strangers. I really cant stand the feeling that my mum dont trust me to be home alone. Like I said, it's my own home, not like I'm gonna get raped by some idiot who broke into an apartment less than 15 storeys high in some condo."

I'm writing this here because I'm serious about this matter. I'm no longer 12, mummy and I really think that I deserve this little bit of trust cause it's my home too. Just because you and brother aint home, I dont get to be in my own home? I'm not an outsider, mummy. I'm not trying to make you sound bad here. You're the best mother I could ever have but when it comes to this, staying in my own house alone, I just cant bare to shut my damn mouth anymore and do nothing about it. I love what's mine and it's like my house dont belong to me when you're not around. I know I made everything sound as if I'm about to lose my own home but yea, that's how I feel when you dont allow me to head/stay home myself. "Worst, cous' mum was pulled in to convince me too and so, another solution came up, having cous' mum to send me to and fro." Do I have the face of a thief?

In my family, there's my mum, my dad, my bro and I. And all I could say that I went numb. It seems like I'm the most untrustable person among the bloods.
Dad: Is Jolene that untrustable?
Bro: Yea...
*Please say that you're joking and prove me wrong.

I love my family alot, but what the hell am I to them? Protect me all you want but the rules dont make me feel like family.